This One Trick Triggers Conversational Patience And Improves All Your Relationships
Most people are transactional in conversations at home and at work. Exchange info, solve a problem, make a decision. But what if there was a better way?
Hello! I’m Kevin Kruse, founder and CEO of LEADx and NY Times bestselling author of several books, including 15 Secrets Successful People Know About Time Management and the forthcoming 11 Secrets Successful People Know About Goal Setting. Welcome to Success & Significance - my take on health, wealth, and relationships (my “3 to Thrive”, read more here). Not yet a subscriber? Hit the Subscribe button below to join over 20,000 members who never miss an issue and unlock premium content.
If you want deepen all of your relationships at work and at home, you’ll want to make this one simple change when you’re speaking with someone.
When I was young and dumb, I was a type-A, task-focused, efficient communicator. I wasn’t “dumb” for being that way; a lot of those traits are personality-driven and not my choice to make.
I was “dumb” for not trying to modulate my behaviors and to not realize that my efficient communication wasn’t deepening my relationships.
For example, if Huang at work wanted my advice on a problem—and if he was taking a long time to get to the point—I might interrupt with, “I understand, I’m pretty sure what you should do is…” Or if I was having a bad day I’d just interrupt with, “Give me the 15 second version.”
At home, if my wife wanted to talk to me about the 13 different options for window treatments—along with the pros and cons of each choice, and the price of each down to the penny—I might have said, “Listen, I really don’t care about the blinds. They’ll all look the same to me. If the whole project is less than $20,000 just do what you think is best.”
And many people would look at my interactions and say I was being supportive. I solved Huang’s problem, and let my wife know she had my full support.
But that would be wrong. Here’s why…
If my primary goal was transactional—exchange information, solve a problem, make a decision—then time-efficient communication accomplishes the goal. But it comes at the cost of the relationship.
Here’s the insight: Many (most?) people don’t talk to you for an exchange of information. They are talking to you to connect with you. They are talking to you to build the relationship. They are talking to you to feel heard, to feel included, to share.
So by quickly cutting to the chase, it takes all of that away.
Now, my goal for every conversation is to deepen the connection I have with the other person.
The secondary goal is the transactional piece (e.g., info exchange, solve a problem, make a decision). And it’s important to remember that many people just talk to share. Even if they are complaining or saying they have a problem, don’t assume they are asking you to fix it!
For example, last week one of my sale reps came to me to ask about whether or not she should waive the setup fee for a particular prospect. She’s negotiated pricing many times before, I’ve told her how and when to waive setup in the past. So my initial thinking was, How many times do we have to talk about this? I’m so busy, I’ll just tell her that the answer is ___.
But I caught myself and thought, How do I use these minutes to deepen our connection and develop her further, and make sure she has an answer to her question? And that shift led to me asking several questions that led her to the right answer, increased her confidence, and most importantly improved her level of employee engagement because she had an accessible boss who cares about her.
Last week my partner assembled a vase of flowers and asked me, “Should they go on the dining room table, or over on the sideboard?” I generally don’t care about things like the location of flowers, and given the two choices were about eight feet apart the question seemed a little silly.
But instead of a quick, “No idea, why don’t you put them wherever you think looks best.” I paused and quickly thought, Oh, she wants to share. She cares about these flowers and wants to include me in her activity. OK, my primary goal is to deepen my connection. The secondary goal is where the flowers end up.
“Those flowers look great. What’s your thinking about those two spots?”
And this is like a superpower when it comes to developing patience with your kids. How many times have your kids bored you to tears launching into the details of the backstory of the Marvel metaverse and how it’s different from Earth-616 blah blah blah?
Remember,
Your kids are just trying to connect with you. And kids do it by talking about stuff that interests them.
Instead of cutting them off, or looking down at your phone, or saying go wash up for dinner. Pause, remember it’s not about the Marvel metaverse or Taylor Swift or Call of Duty, it’s about sharing. Take a deep breath, and ask some questions.
SELF-COACHING QUESTIONS:
Are you naturally a relator or naturally more task-focused?
Are you an extrovert who uses a lot of words or an introvert who uses few words?
How often do you approach conversations as transactional?
How often do you use conversations with the explicit goal to deepen the relationship?
Who would you like to have a better relationship with at work? At home?
Until the next issue, remember…
Impact > Income,
Kevin 🙏
If you liked this post, you’d love my books. Consider grabbing 15 Secrets Successful People Know About Time Management or 11 Secrets Successful People Know About Goal Setting or Great Leaders Have No Rules.